A Really Quite Awful Story
by A Bizarre Thought
Summary: Joker needs to stall Sae during the interrogation, so he opts to tell her about a night at Leblanc in excruciating detail. When he said that he wouldn't leave out any information, she didn't expect where he'd take that. A humourous take on the idea that Joker told Sae everything that happened leading up to his capture... including the steamy details of his social links.


**A Really Quite Awful Story**

"For the last time, I'm asking you about the Phantom Thieves' heists, not about what you did after school!" Sae slammed her hands on the desk that separated her from the battered young criminal.

"You asked how I gained the power to steal their hearts, this is important." Despite his many injuries, the Phantom Thieves' leader met her gaze.

Both paused, his expression inscrutable and hers searching. Sae knew she could easily walk out of the room, leave the investigation behind, and get on with her life. There were dozens of cases waiting on her desk, dozens of contests she needed to win, dozens of contests she would win. Yet she could feel the weight of the letter she carried in her pocket, a replica of the letter she received from this young felon's organization. She didn't know how he managed to change the hearts of his previous targets, so she had taken no chances by bringing his actual letter to this interrogation.

She took a breath. "Fine… go on."

"As I was saying, we were at my place…"

* * *

Queen looked down at her hands. "S-so you see… um…" She had already told me about her career goals and how she was finally working towards something for herself, but now her composure seemed to crumble.

I thought back to when we had sat together in the bar after chasing off Tsukasa. I'd told her that I would be her study partner for the subjects she didn't yet understand, and this seemed like the right time to bring it back up. "Do you want to study?" I said with a slight smile.

 _Sae rolled her eyes, 'study partner for love,' who comes up with such a hackneyed line?_

I could see her eyes widen, curiosity mixing with nerves before she turned away from me. "Well… I was thinking… maybe we could study some things we don't have experience in yet. Would that be okay?" She looked back at me and I felt my palms grow sweaty; not wanting to say the wrong thing, I just looked her in the eyes and nodded. Some of the anxiety left her face and her expression softened into a gentle smile. She paused briefly, closing her eyes, and wrapping her arms around herself, then continued, "I want to be with you."

I put an arm around her and pulled her closer. "I want to be with you too."

She looked up at me, our faces mere inches from each other. Her reddish-brown eyes looked even more beautiful than usual in the dim light. "You know… we still have some time before night falls." For a moment, neither of us moved. Then we closed our eyes and I felt her lips move to meet mine. I could feel slight ridges as my lips slowly grazed across hers. They were drier than I expected with just the slightest hint of sweetness.

We pulled apart and I tilted my head to the side as I gave her a faint smirk, "Queen, you're not usually one for lipstick."

Her cheeks reddened as she looked down at her hands once again, "W-well… I thought we might spend some time studying tonight and I wanted to make sure I was prepared."

I lifted her chin with a finger and buried a chuckle with a smile, "Don't worry, I like it." I slid my hand to the side of her neck and pulled her in for another kiss. Her mouth opened slightly as I felt her lips soften under mine. One hand caressed the side of her face, while the other remained firmly placed on her back. I felt one hand slide around my neck, then another come to rest on my shoulder. Her head angled a little further sideways, so our lips slid across each other without ever losing contact.

 _Sae sat back in the interrogators' chair, rubbing her eyes with the thumb and index finger of her right hand. Despite his crimes, she felt a perverse happiness that he still managed to live a normal teenaged life, finding a girlfriend, and experiencing a high-school relationship with all that entailed. However, that didn't mean she had any desire to hear about it in detail._

As we continued to kiss, I let my tongue sneak out and brush her upper lip. She let out a faint groan and I felt her pull me closer. Suddenly, I could feel her body against mine, patches of warmth on my chest where she pressed my school uniform into my skin. If this was the result of lightly brushing her lips with my tongue once, I had no desire to stop there. My tongue moved again, this time slipping past her lips and into her mouth. Her tongue moved to meet mine and they briefly touched, causing both of us to sharply inhale before I withdrew my tongue back to my own mouth.

I felt her pull at my neck and her kisses grew more hurried, more insistent. As my mouth widened after another kiss, she bit my lower lip softly and I couldn't stop a heavy breath as I felt a quick shiver of intermingled pleasure and pain. Feeling her arching closer to me, I moved my hand, which had already drifted from her back to her hip, up the side of her body.

I broke off the kiss and tilted my head to kiss the side of her neck. My left hand continued to stroke her hair, where it had been firmly entangled since early in the kiss. As I kissed her neck and my right hand rose to meet her shoulder, I heard her breathing quicken. "Yes… just like that… that feels so good." As I nipped softly at the soft flesh between her shoulder blade and her neck, I felt her hands move down from my shoulders to my school uniform. Her fingers fumbled with the first button, then it came apart and I felt fingertips graze down my chest to the next button, then the next.

" _Is this really necessary?" Sae said, standing up abruptly from her chair. She walked over to the corner of the room and brushed aside a stray hair, then turned back to glare at the young felon._

 _His expression never changed as he responded, "You said you needed all the details of the Phantom Thieves actions since we became active."_

" _I'm not getting paid enough for this," Sae muttered. Nevertheless, she walked back over to the table, brusquely gestured for him to continue, crossed her arms over her chest, and waited silently._

" _Great, now where was I…"_

Soon my jacket hung open and her hands moved onto my chest, gently pushing the jacket aside. I shrugged it off my shoulders as my mouth moved to meet hers once more. Our kisses grew even deeper than before and I felt her tongue tracing the line of my lips. Both of my hands slid down onto her chest and I started to undo the buttons on her top. A hand on my back, tugging the hem of my shirt out of my pants served as ample encouragement to continue.

As quickly as I could remove her black top, I felt her pulling my shirt off. We broke off our kiss long enough for her to pull my shirt up and over my head, proceeding to throw it on top of my discarded jacket. She paused, looking at my chest and running her hands over my body. Her voice was husky as she said, "I know running around in the Metaverse is keeping us all fit, but I never expected you to be quite so… muscular."

 _Sae shook her head. "You can lay off the bragging."_

 _He gave her a cheeky smile and replied, "What don't believe me? Want me to prove it? There are plenty of ways you could encourage me to tell you what you need."_

" _How about I go find those detectives from your first interrogation?"_

 _He laughed, then responded, "You need me as much as I need you." Sae's expression darkened as she started to feel that she was no longer in control of this interrogation, but the young criminal seemed not to notice as he continued his tale._

I looked back at her with a smile, "Skull always wants to go running or go to the gym and even hanging out with Fox… well it isn't what you'd normally call exercise, but it's still a pretty good workout." I placed one hand on her back and more forcefully pulled her towards me. Instead of just leaning in, she turned, one leg kneeling on my couch and the other foot on the ground, trying awkwardly to position herself for a kiss. "Since we're studying, this is lesson number one: how to get comfortable," I said shifting slightly towards the centre of the couch. I nudged her leg aside, then placed a hand firmly on her bottom and pulled her on top of me, using the other hand to guide her remaining leg onto the couch, leaving her straddling me. "See? Much more comfortable," I said as our eyes met.

She blushed again, but didn't look away and I could feel her fingers tracing soft circles on my bare chest. "Y-yeah… this is more comfortable. Thanks Leader."

" _Please tell me this girlfriend of yours doesn't actually call you 'Leader' when you're together," Sae said._

 _The young criminal gave her a wink and answered, "Maybe… maybe not. But you can call me Leader if that's what you're into." Sae clenched her fists, then forced herself to take a deep breath and listen to his story._

In this new position, our hands were free to explore each other's bodies as we kissed. While one hand caressed a tight-covered thigh beside me, my other ran up her body and cupped her breast through her shirt. Her mouth widened as she gasped against my mouth and I felt little pinpricks dragging along my chest from her nails as her hands curled closed. As my hand stroked the soft flesh through her shirt, I felt the hard edge of her bra and the pattern of a frilly trim. Enjoying the feeling of her body against me, I moved my free hand from her thigh to the other breast, while the other slide down to grab her ass through her skirt.

She pushed herself apart from our kiss and I paused, unsure whether my groping had suddenly offended her. My questions were answered when she reached down and with a few quick tugs, pulled her turtleneck over her head, throwing it on the growing pile of clothing on my floor. In the instant before her shirt came off, I noticed that her boots had joined my jacket and her top on the ground. Once her shirt came off, her body seized my attention and I couldn't help looking anywhere but her pale bare skin. My eyes stopped their journey up her body at a black bra with an intricate lace revealing the outer curve of her breast.

 _Despite her growing irritation, Sae felt a tiny smile pull at the edges of her mouth. If she had needed any further confirmation that the leader of the Phantom Thieves was a teenage male, she certainly had it._

"They're not as big as Panther's, are they?" Queen's voice pulled me out of my reverie.

"What are you talking about? Your body is amazing!" I looked up to see a deep blush and the distance between us closed as we kissed passionately, fervently. She pulled herself closer and I felt her weight settle further up my lap, placing a pleasant weight on my crotch. Her gasps turned into soft moans as one hand continued to stroke her breast, fingers pushing through the lace to feel the soft flesh underneath. Even through the cup's fabric, I felt her nipple stiffen under the continued pressure.

The Queen who had nervously asked me to help her learn about love was gone; in her place was a fierce deity of lust, who pushed my head back against the couch cushions with the force of her kisses and grinded her body against mine. My hands went around her back and my fingers fumbled with her bra clasp. I felt her lips curve into a smile as I struggled to pull apart the byzantine contraption holding her bra together. "I'll give you a break on lesson two: how to undo a girl's bra clasp," she said as her hands reached behind her back. Her fingers gently pushed mine aside and quickly separated the two halves.

My hands met hers at her shoulders and together we guided the bra straps down her arms. She moved one of my hands to her bare breast and squeezed the back of my hand, causing my hand to close around the naked skin. Her eyes closed, and her head fell back, mouth opening to let out a loud breath. I continued to stroke her breast, sliding my hand to the side, so that my thumb could tease her nipple. My other hand reached up and mirrored the first, stroking the other breast.

"Yes… just like that… Leader…" her voice came out in pieces, broken by her panting breath. She had clearly noticed the growing bulge in my pants as she more deliberately ground her crotch against mine. Her head tilted forward, and her eyes opened to meet mine. Any hint of nerves had disappeared, and my raw desire matched the cloudy focus in her eyes. One hand closed around my forearm, while the other held onto the back of the couch behind me for balance.

"I can't wait any longer… futon… now!" I said between deep groans. We stood up, pulling each other into another frantic kiss once we were both on our feet. As we stumbled backwards towards the futon, I felt a hand stroking the front of my pants, then the backs of fingers grazing my belly as she undid my belt. She stopped as the back of one leg pressed up against the bed. Simultaneously, she finished pulling apart the clasp of my pants, then moved her hands to my hips. I felt her thumbs hook under the waistband of both my pants and my underwear, then cool air on my skin as she pushed down, letting both fall to the ground.

"Oh my god, you're so big! That must be like eight or nine inches!" she said.

" _There's no way that's true. Do you think I was born yesterday? I've seen penises before and I know what size they are, regardless what guys like to tell themselves." Sae said. Even after hearing that this young man apparently changed people by traveling into their mind, fighting their inner self with the existence of some supernatural power he called Persona, and stealing the materialized essence of their distorted desires, somehow the least believable part of his entire story was this. Sae shook her head, she should've known that it always came down to something sexual with men._

" _Don't believe me? You're always welcome to find out for yourself," the young criminal said, giving her another cheeky grin. They held each other's gaze for a few second, then for the first time in the interrogation, the young felon broke off first. His smile shifted into a sheepish look and he shrugged, "Alright, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. Can you blame a guy for trying?"_

" _I can't believe I agreed to listen to this at all. Just give me the facts, nothing else, and no more exaggeration."_

 _He waved a hand in front of his face. "Fine, fine, just the facts."_

She realized I'd caught her staring and she blushed once more. "I guess I shouldn't leave you standing there by yourself huh?" I saw a slight tremble in her fingers as she reached down to her skirt and pulled it down around her knees. Despite her courageous façade, there was still the Queen I knew, the girl who could fight Shadows by the dozen, yet turned into a stuttering mess when I told her how I felt back at the bar. With another quick movement, her tights joined her skirt on the floor, and she stepped out, leaving only a pair of socks and lacy black panties that matched the bra discarded over by the couch.

We took a step forward and my hands rested on her hips as we kissed once more. Her hands started on my shoulders, then slid down my body. The light touch of her fingertips down my chest caused me to involuntarily shiver, then I felt a pair of fingers reach my base and start hesitantly exploring the shaft. The sight of Queen had already caused me to harden, but the unfamiliar feeling of another's touch on me gave a pleasant, aching stiffness.

Our kissing paused as I let out a deep, drawn-out groan. Queen's eyes stared into mine and three more fingers found their way onto my body. Her hand closed around me, slowly stroking back and forth; each motion sent a new wave of pleasure arcing through my body. I stood there, a statue at the mercy of her softly calloused hand, every appendage but one forgotten in the ongoing sensation.

"I want you so badly right now," I said, my voice slightly ragged.

"I think I brought a condom in my bag, let me check," she said, stepping towards the purse hanging up near the stairway to my room. As she moved away, her fingers slid down to the tip, her arm extending to keep us connected until the last possible moment. Yet all too soon, another step took her too far to touch and I was left watching her body and savouring the memory of her hands.

 _Sae let her head fall into one hand, chin resting on her wrist and fingers covering her eye. It was good that this miscreant was responsible enough to use protection, but did she really need to hear about it?_

Queen was not gone for long. After fishing a condom out of her bag, she walked back across the room, discarding her socks with one free hand in between steps. She stepped past me to kneel on my bed, one hand on my side turning me to face her. She handed me the condom wrapper and her other hand returned to my body. Now her strokes were firmer, more deliberate and I barely noticed myself stepping forward until my knees pressed against the edge of the bed.

Pleasure clouded my mind as I fiddled with the condom wrapper, eventually pulling apart the plastic and removing the condom inside. Queen removed her hand as I placed the condom over the tip, then used her hand to help me unroll it. Once I was fully covered, she sat up on her knees and pushed her panties down her legs, lifting one knee at a time to remove the last vestiges of her clothing.

Then we both paused. In all our lust, this was the first moment where we realized we were suddenly, strikingly present. We hadn't been dating for all that long really. We looked at each other, searching for some sign to proceed. I watched several expressions cross her face, desire, worry, happiness, fear, and love, each mixing together as I gently knelt on the bed beside her. She still seemed uncertain, so I leaned back.

I felt a small bump on the back of my head and I turned to spot the source, only to have the bare bulb over my bed swing back and hit me square in the forehead. As I rubbed my forehead I heard Queen start to laugh behind me. Turning around, I saw that the worry had been washed away by amusement.

She placed a hand on my shoulder and as she stifled further laughter said, "Are you alright? Poor guy, let's see if we can't make you feel a little better." She leaned back, her head falling onto my pillow and the hand on my shoulder guiding me down on top of her. With one hand she guided my throbbing member...

" _Please never say that phrase again," Sae said, cutting off the young criminal mid-sentence._

" _What, isn't that how all the romantic stories go? 'He put his throbbing member inside her pulsating mound' and all that?" he responded, leaning back in his chair._

" _Only if your goal is to make the listener swear off sex forever."_

" _Well, I definitely don't want you to do that. I'll try to find something that matches your… refined taste a bit better."_

She guided me inside of her, her eyes widened, and she let out a gasp as I pushed past her outer lips. When I felt some resistance, I withdrew slightly, then pushed yet deeper inside of her. Her gasps turned into long, drawn-out groans with each thrust further inside. As I moved deeper, I shifted my weight to rest on my palms, placed on the pillow on either side of her head, letting my hips press against hers without dropping my weight on top.

My thrusts grew smoother as her slick insides coated the condom with lubrication. I felt a hand snake around to my lower back and start to pull me towards her in time with my thrusts. Feeling her around me was incredible as I alternated between the delightful pressure on my tip when I pulled back and started to press forward again, and the satisfying warmth surrounding my entire shaft when I finished a thrust.

Her face twisted with pleasure and I saw her other hand move from clenching the mattress to between her legs. I looked down briefly and saw her rubbing herself just above where I was thrusting into her. "Oh my god, I love feeling you inside me," she said, her voice mixing with shaky moans. I could feel tightness building up between my legs and I saw her hand drop from my back to one of her exposed breasts. The sight of her squeezing her breast was too much to resist. A drop of sweat beaded on my forehead as my whole body tensed. She must've felt my reaction as she started to encourage me to keep going, "Please don't stop… this feels so good… Joker please…"

Then I felt a sudden spasm starting from the base of my shaft and running up towards the tip. As it moved, every muscle in my body tightened, my thrusts grew uneven as I tried to prolong the overwhelming pleasure. Yet the spasm quickly reached the tip and I was hit by a rush of pleasure and started to cum inside her body. I pushed as deep inside her as I could possibly go, just to feel every ridge and bump of her body around my shaft.

Once the first intense moments had passed, I slumped down onto an elbow, sliding out of her, and coming to rest on the bed beside her. I started to control my panting breath and saw her doing the same. I leaned in for a deep kiss and felt one hand tangle in my hair as she propped herself up on the bed with the other.

After a few moments of passionate kissing, I realized I was still wearing the condom and my softening penis could lead to a mess if it fell off. So, I stood up, walked over to my desk, and dropped the condom in the trash bin underneath.

Turning back to the bed, I saw that Queen had laid back on the bed, closed her eyes, and started to touch herself once more. I paused for a moment to savour the sight, then knelt beside her. With one hand busy between her legs, she could only hold one breast. I placed one hand on her other breast, squeezing gently. Her eyes opened slowly, gazing at me with unrestrained lust. Her chest heaved as she started to pant through the pleasure of our combined attention.

I nudged her hand aside and lowered my head to her breast, teasing the nipple with the tip of my tongue. Her body arched up to meet my mouth and her free hand wrapped around the back of my head, holding me to her chest. Each time my tongue passed over her nipple, she let out a moan. Her lower body started to shake, and I could see her draw a knee up towards her body, toes curled, thighs squeezing the hand between her legs.

Then I took her nipple into my mouth, lips closing around the pale skin of her breast. Queen let out one continuous moan, back arching sharply against my mouth, then collapsed onto the bed, hair matted with sweat, and breathing heavily.

"That was incredible Leader," she said as she slowly tamed her exhausted breath.

"You were incredible Queen," I replied, lying down beside her. She rolled over to rest on my chest and we shared a chaste kiss.

"It's getting dark out, if I don't get going soon, she'll wonder where I've been."

"Much as I don't want you to leave, you're probably right. I'll walk you to the train station."

* * *

"And that's about all that happened that night." The young felon finished his story and leaned back with a smile.

Sae nearly flipped the table over in frustration. Instead, she settled for standing and kicking her own chair across the room. "That's it? How does that have anything to do with anything?"

"Well, you asked how I strengthened my powers and that was it."

"Oh sure, I'm sure that's the only reason you wanted to get your dick wet. Let me guess, next you'll tell me that I need to help you find a new power and it just happens that I'll need to take my top off for you to find it."

"Who knows? It's always worth a try."

Sae grabbed her notes from the ground beside the desk and collected her chair from the corner where it had come to rest. This interrogation had gone completely out of control; she had broken hardened yakuza bosses, yet this teenaged miscreant had her flustered and struggling to get the information she needed. She wouldn't admit, even to herself, that she wasn't just slipping out of anger. Her body felt hot and she realized it had been a long time since she split with her last ex-boyfriend. His sly words had stirred a few long-buried feelings inside her. But she quickly pushed those thoughts back down into the darkness. Her notes would get her back on track.

As she flipped through the pages, looking for the list of the criminal's known associates, he leaned back and interlaced his fingers behind his head. Sae didn't know that she was going to be even less happy when she found that list and put the pieces together about the parts of the story he hadn't shared. There's a good chance she'd yell at him, flip the table, and maybe punch him clean out of his chair. Yet all of that would still be a part of his plan, he just needed to delay her long enough to put the Phantom Thieves plan into motion, so it didn't really matter if he delayed her with pointless stories or with more bruises. But if his plan meant he got an opportunity to flirt with his girlfriend's attractive older sister, who could blame him? He was, after all, the Joker.

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it - if you have any thoughts to share, please leave a review. I always enjoy hearing what my readers think of my work -ABT**


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